The No Name Blog (suggestions welcome)

positive eventually runs out.

2010-11-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to stay positive all the time. Today is definitely a down day. Or maybe down week. Frustrations are creeping in (which I HATE) and I'm making the choice and working really hard to get them out. We are still awaiting our home study. All the things have been approved and all we are waiting for is the person to come to our house. It's frustrating because we keep seeing kids online we are interested in and are told "send us your home study" Yeah, would if I could! I know it will happen in time and we are holding out but the comments are coming more often from Josey which is just heart breaking because there isn't anything left that I can do. We've exhausted all our efforts at this point and so we wait...

The good news is that I am the first counselor in Young Women's again! I'm so excited about that and I love, love, love that I'm going to get to serve the beautiful girls in our branch. I'm so excited to get to know them. I'm excited to serve with Emily and Lynn. I think we are going to be a good bunch. Once we get the hang of it at least. Hopefully no one will suffer long while we get there. It's going to be a fun and wild ride!

On an awesome note Josey is reading! It's incredible how fast she is picking it up and how patient she is with me. I am awful and have to remind myself a million times during each lesson that it's so hard to read when you don't know how. We have survived 11 lessons and she is reading words ending with ap, as, ad, ab, ig, ip, and so many more! She blows my mind at how receptive she is and she is teaching me SO much everyday. I love her and I'm so grateful for her in my life.

Donnie and I are the same. Growing stronger together, hopefully. He is the Secretary in the Stake Young Men's Presidency and loves it! He loves working with the YM and loves being able to give input in regards to the program. He is still working and still going to school. He said the other day he has been in college longer than he was in elementary and high school. So that's like 13 years. We haven't quite reached that mark yet but we are getting close. However, he has taken breaks for very important and honorable things that neither of us would give up or change for anything.

How grateful I am for the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows me personally and knows my struggles and trials. I'm grateful that I am not in this life alone and that I will make it despite the down times. I'm grateful for the Spirit in my life that it can comfort and lift me.

Excited to see what is behind the next door.

2010-09-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

I received a message yesterday from the Grandmother of the two girls. We were going to go meet them this weekend but plans have changed. At first I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed. Then I gathered my senses and was grateful for this woman who cares so much for her girls that she is willing to what is best for them. I was heart broken and so sad at the opportunity we would have had to raise those beautiful girls. However, she knows what is best and I agree with her decision completely.

They have found another family who lives close to them that is interested in adopting them. Which would mean they would always be close to their biological family which is a great blessing. We were disappointed but understanding to their needs. After all, being a good mother requires doing what is best for children, even if it isn't what you want.

I'm grateful for the opportunity that I had to share in the lives of these people and for the friendship that was formed. If only briefly and I will continue to pray that they are blessed with all they stand in need of.

As for us we move on to the next step in the adoption process. Being approved. Wait? Still waiting? Really? Seriously? Yup. Still waiting. Our caseworker is working so hard for us and we are so grateful. We also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and when it comes into place it will be the best thing for everyone. We are excited to see what will come and are really looking forward to meeting our future birth mom and welcoming her with open arms into our lives.

P.S. If anyone knows of someone in Alabama that can do home studies please let me know. They have to have MLSW, PIP and something else. Can't remember right now but pass it on if you know of someone.

blog blog blog = blah blah blah?

2010-09-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

First I must say I love Pandora Mormon Tabernacle Choir channel. Best songs ever!

Next I have to say that next week can't get here soon enough! We are going to Chattanooga to meet the babes we are hoping to adopt. I am so nervous and my patience, or lack there of, is starting to show. As if it hasn't already. I have this problem with waiting, always have, always will. I had a doctor tell me once that I'm a control freak. I wouldn't go that far but I like control. That's why it has been such a hard road coming to the place where I totally rely on the Father in all things.

We have found an attorney that is going to be most helpful. He actually took the time to call me back, not knowing for sure whether we would hire him, and talk me through the entire process. We will hire him. He is the most affordable and thankfully the one I get a good feeling about.

I already know it's going to be so hard to leave next weekend. I am so looking forward to it but I am really nervous! Mostly about the girls. I am praying they feel the same about me as I do them. What a blessing this whole process has been.

And that's it. My brain is not functioning properly today.

Wow! No spelling errors today. Maybe.

Happy Sunday

2010-09-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

We got to see our new Stake Presidency today, well, minus one but he's there all the time so we've seen him. Their whole persona's have changed. I love to see men with these heavy callings and the way they grow in an instant. The whole process is amazing.

Still waiting for our two weekend's from now. Time is slowly going. Lawyers are lawyers and won't return phone calls and home study's are going to be happening soon. I'm enjoying Josey and loving her every moment. Well, not the sassy ones but all the others. We've had lots of sass lately. Not sure what her deal is but hopefully just a bump we will get over soon. We are certainly working through it.

The Spirit at church today was very strong. I love Sundays like this. And now dinner with friends and family. Can't ask for more. Except the rest of my family. But soon enough...

Trying my hand and eye at photography

2010-08-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

Great moment of stillness in time

Add caption

Cozumel

It was SO HUGE!

This is next to the street in Cozumel

These are all over the streets. It was awesome!

This was the bit of beach we got in Cozumel. It was on the side of the road.

We actually had to pay for this but the guy said it was for a good bird cause. Cool nonetheless.

The bird had already eaten my earring and was proceeding to eat my clip.

The water was gorgeous.

Looks like a map of clouds.

I see a hurricane. Anyone else?

The clouds are so fluffy out there.

This is what we came home to in Tampa.

So peaceful in the middle of the Gulf.

Of course, Donnie took this one. I can't take credit. It's pretty amazing though.

This is in Birmingham behind the Chick-fil-a on the way home from the Temple. Hilarious! We actually turned around to take a picture of it.

Josey feet and can you guess what kind of feet?

Wave

All the so far girl cousins. Can't wait to add the others.

Gorgeous sunset.

The waves actually made the picture look like this. just kidding.

this is one of the best pictures I've ever taken.

Our trip to the Lamanites (sort of)

2010-08-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

These are some of the pictures from the ship on our cruise.

I actually took this one. It was sitting on the front of the ship which had an amazing view and an amazing breeze.

This was Wency our waiter. He is from the Phillipines. He was so much fun and treated us like royalty. The food really made the cruise. I came home unable to eat normal food.

Josey being cute Josey. She took that one too. Unfortunately there wasn't much to do.

Well, I can't get the layout pretty but you get the picture. Or pictures. LOL!

Josey getting her hair wrapped in Cozumel.

Cool slide. Couldn't go down because Josey was a tad too short. Big fat bummer.

They actually had towel folding programs on board.

don't know how to rotate. Kind of looks better this way.

This is Cozumel with the sun coming up and us into port.

These are some of the friends she made on board.

So much has happened.

2010-08-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

I will save the best for last. And worst for first.

First I have to say, I'm trying to kick Josey out of my room, well, I say kick, I'm nicely suggesting she go play with her toys so I can blog. UGH! I guess that's what happens when she won't sleep past 630. I am drinking a slim fast, not because I need to lose weight but I thought I'd try it since they were in my fridge. Donnie was needing to lose weight for drill in Sept but they pushed it to Oct so he's doing the same thing he always does to lose weight. NOTHING! UGH! The fairness in the ability of men to lose weight is incomprehensible. I can't even think about it the unfairness of it. Although, I just was so now I stop. Really stopping. Until I take another swig of this horrifying chocolate gueeewwww. I don't know how to even spell a word to describe the awfulness. Although, now I'm not thinking of the men losing ugh! there it goes again.... OK, moving on to better things.

Josey gave a talk yesterday in Primary. Well, she tried. She's so tenderhearted and can't stand attention when she's embarrassed. She buried her head in me and cried. She has done other talks and I know she will do fine next week when she is given the opportunity to go again. I love my little girl. She is such a strength and example of Christ's pure love for us. Josey likes the slim fast. How funny is that. There was only a tiny bit left but she gulped it down. I don't know how people can get full on that because now I've had the calories and am NOT filled up.

Moving on....

So our home study that was supposed to happen on Saturday didn't because there isn't anyone who has the right qualifications. Stupid Alabama. I have to say that this state is so slow and backwards in EVERYTHING! I love the ability that it has to keep God in lives but the laws are so outdated. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan in all things and control so I know it will work. And doing a private adoption could possibly save us money. So it will be better how ever it ends up working. More details to come on that at a later date. I should be receiving an update sometime today on the status. Pretty much my thinking (which is usually wrong) is that the state wants people to adopt kids in the state (which makes sense) and doesn't want other states involved. Now, in most things I am totally supportive of state's rights, just now when it personally affects me. Just kidding. But adoption should be a national thing. Every other state is open to this idea. Just not Alabama. But they have been against us from the beginning of our parenting so it's no surprise that this is too. That being said, I love living here and I will be contacting my representative.

Onto the good news. Or rather fantastic news! We are meeting the family that I have been talking about in September. The one with the two girls. I have spoken a few times to their grandma on the phone and she is such a sweet lady. Cares so deeply for her babies and I'm grateful she's trusting enough to allow us to meet them. I am all set to make plans but Donnie wants to wait until we all meet. Which is a good thing. I need to be more level headed but a mom just knows. So my emotions are all in but my head is being leveled out by my husband. LOL! That sounds hilarious! Not in a literal way of course. leveling my head! Sometimes I'm just TOO funny!

I am going to begin contacting attorneys to find out the next step should we decide to move forward. I'm excited and anticipating mid September. I have seen some pictures of the adorable angels and have fallen in love! I can't wait to meet them. I really feel like at this point our families are going to fit together wonderfully. It's amazing the trials and avenues that we travel in this life to finally reach a point where it all makes sense.

After talking with our caseworker on Saturday and hearing the news that we are still at a stand still with the approval process for the adoption I felt fine. Greatly comforted in the testimony that I have of the Lord that He knows all things and can see the bigger picture. I am now and have been, but now especially, grateful for the struggles I have been through with infertility. The roads that have led me to this place. To meet this family at this time. The Lord truly knows what He is doing. Of that I have a firm and unending testimony.

step who knows which one

2010-08-19T04:37:00.000-07:00

Step one: Contact LDSFS
Step two: Fill in monsterous loads of paperwork.
Step three: Individual interviews.
Step four: Possibility of kids.
Step five: Wait to find out about possibility of two girls.
Step six: Wait to hear about whether the other family has decided to adopt the girls.
Step seven: Wait for Jenni to get back from forever awesome summer travels.
Step eight: Keep waiting but getting excited!
Step nine: Paint baby's room because someday there will be one. Leave one blank in case it's a boy or a girl.
Step ten: Wait.

So we've made it passed step ten onto step eleven. When we return from our trip from Florida (which is where we are now and loving every minute of it) we will await a phone call from the Grandma of our two maybe's. We are praying our maybe's turn into our definites. That's right. The two girls we were waiting to hear about, we've heard and are headed to meet them when we get home. We will provide an adoption plan and proceed with it. Donnie is being very cautious I think but my heart is already in it. I am already considering myself a mom of three beautiful girls. It will be a major adjustment but it will be so good for our family.

I can't remember if I posted the experience from church a few weeks ago but Sister Otis was there and was talking about the temple. I was day dreaming while listening and wondering if Josey will be able to go into the temple will we are all sealed together and imagining the day and what it is going to be like. During my day dreams Sister Otis was about to finish her talk and relayed a story (an unplanned story) of how she was able to attend the sealing of a family who had adopted a 9 year old girls and at the end of the sealing the sister had gotten up from the alter and went in a circle and hugged all of her new sealed togther family. My mom and I immediately looked at each other and were both full of tears. I was so giddy after that and kind of knew that it would all work out.

I'm so excited for what's to come. Not looking forward to all the legal stuff but as all things that Heavenly Father is in control of, this will go off without a hitch if it is His will. And thankfully we have Him on our side. It's going to be a long process but the day we are able to attend the temple and have all of our hard work and waiting sealed in the presence of our Lord and our Father, it is going to make every second worth it! EEEEkkkk! Is really all I can say.

It's kind of crazy to think that we will soon (I suppose for just in case sake, possibly) be the parents of three adorable girls. It's so exciting!

still waiting

2010-08-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

Our caseworker is out of town and we are dying (me more than Donnie) to hear about the girls. Our girls I keep calling them. Whoops. I'm getting way ahead of myself. I have my entire house planned out for when they arrive and falling in love with them more everyday. Now, this being said, we have seen a picture once, briefly, and still can't remember their names.

Yes, I will survive if this ends the other way. But am so excited to possibly have three girls in the next few months! Phew! What a crazy ride that will be! Can't wait for the amazing things to come.

Come what dreams

2010-08-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

So a few nights ago I had this marvelous dream about all my girls being together. We had three the two angels we are biting nails off waiting to hear about and our sweetness Josey. It was a fantastic dream. We were a happy family. We were playing and eating dinner and normal family things. It's really hard to have their picture in my mind. I'm so grateful that I don't remember there names. I'm sure that my mind blocked it out so I wouldn't get too attached. But, who am I kidding, I love them already and can't remember their names. I so care about what happens to them and I am praying good things will come in their lives.

Then last night I had a dream that the call came and it was in the other direction. I heard so clearly in my dream "they are going to the ***'s." I was so sad I actually woke up and looked around. I know that these darling girls will go to the family they are meant for I am just praying that it will be the best for them. It's amazing how we can love what we don't have just by loving the idea of them. I have no doubt that if we are blessed with these two girlies we will and already do love them as our own.

It's amazing the blessings that come from making the decision to adopt. I truly believe Heavenly Father allows our brains to remember and forget things to help us on our journey. I never knew that until now.

this roller coaster we call adoption. WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

So not even approved yet and the fun begins. Now that the family has all been informed (most anyway) I can post our real update on here. Nothing for real and certainly not huge but worth mentioning. When I began this adventure I decided I would take it in stride and for what it was but now I've decided that I will get excited about every possibility and prepare to the fullest for each.

I am quite certain that my days of ttc (my still days) were and are all in preparation for this. I believe this to possibly be harder and maybe more frustrating at times because it's not only relying completely on the Lord but I really and literally have no control over the choices the other parties involved will make.

I will mourn in times of mourning and rejoice in times of joy. That sounds funny, but it is true. This is and will be the most exciting and possibly a more heart breaking (at times) journey than just trying to have a biological baby. So as of today we are excited about the possibility.

On with the point... While we were meeting with Jenni, we mentioned that we had checked into DHR and the thought came to her of two kids (two girls) that were possibly needing a home. Grandparents are wanting a family that is young to be able to give them what they would most enjoy. I can't imagine how hard that decision must have been but so grateful that it has been made. There is another couple who is considering it and they are also preparing for a birth mom to place with them as well. So we are back up. We may have a 9 year old and a 1 year old. This is obviously all up in the air and like I said we have NO control over it. Thankfully, though if they don't come to our home they will be going to another LDS family which comforts me.

It's very strange the way Heavenly Father works in our individual lives and how even if you don't pray for things you receive answers and confirmations to questions and situations to come. I'm definitely not sure why things work this way but nevertheless, they do. I'm thankful for a testimony and my ability to acknowledge the Lord's promptings in our lives. We are open to many situations and are so looking forward to the day we bring our baby (or babies) home.

At first I was telling myself and our family not to get their hopes up but really, why not? We will be sad no matter what if they don't come to us so why not enjoy the possibilities as they come. This is a really big milestone for me to have reached in my life because I used to always think the worst and expect the worst so as to not be disappointed with the outcome. But really? Life is too short for negativity and too many opportunities are lost in sadness so I'm trying, striving, everyday to make that day a happy positive one. I'm so looking forward to things to come and so enjoying it as it is.

And remember to remind me to reread this post when I'm back to the blah attitude:) Thanks in advance. Oh and just a warning: please remind me to read this and nothing else or you have the potential and great possibility of losing your head:)

A very productive trip...

2010-07-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, all day long, Josey was so excited to go on our 'mini' vacation. It was fun. We left yesterday and went to Atlanta for the night. We got to our hotel, went to eat and tried to swim but between all the people in the gallon of water and the thunder we ended up swimming in the bathtub in the morning. (Yes it was big enough) . She was such a good sport.

Then today, best of all we met with our new case worker and had our interviews. We only have the home study left and then we will be approved! I will admit, I was losing my desire to adopt because it had been SO long since anything had happened, but today, after talking with Jenni, both of us are so super excited! We can't wait to find our baby or kiddo's or whom ever the Lord has in mind for us.

Our fire has been rekindled and we are so excited! Josey was a nut and woke up this morning at like 4 our time. I don't know what got into her but she was ready to go. Donnie and I were sleeping in between excited comments. She is a doll. Then she got to nap on the way home and alas, we are still exhausted, no nap no thing and very happy (better than not) four year old wanting to PLAY PLAY PLAY!!!!! I love our family.

We were discussing today what we will do if we are blessed with more than one kiddo and we decided on bunk beds for Josey and her new sibling. EEEKKKK!!!!! The excitement boileth over! (I know, not a word:)

This is so hard...

2010-07-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

It really is so hard for me to keep a blog. I don't ever know what to say about us. I sit down to do it and by the time I pick the background I've run out of time to actually post. Why do I feel like my background says a lot about who I am? I suppose I'm a dork. That would explain it, right?

We have finally finished all of our paper work and are meeting with our new social worker on Saturday. Thankfully, we now have someone who knows what she is doing. She is a wonderful help and is very proactive and helping us find our baby. I'm so grateful that things are beginning to go forward again. It is very disheartening at times to not only have to deal with pregnancy announcements now but also other's adoption announcements and progressions when ours had been at a stand still for so long.

Partly my fault and partly the fault of all the legalities but as I have said many times over, Heavenly Father has it all under control and when it is our time, which it will be some day, He will provide us with our blessing. As all trials in this life are meant to do, my struggle with having more children has helped me grow closer to my family and the Lord. I am grateful for the experiences that I have had to help these things happen.

I remind myself daily, and try to picture in my head, what Heavenly Father would say to me if He were sitting next to me. I can hear Him very plainly telling me "Just wait! It is going to be so much better than you can ever imagine." Not only does that thought bring me peace but it gives me a firm hope that what we desire more than anything in this world will come to pass. I'm grateful for that knowledge.

We are so excited to continue on this journey and can't wait to be approved so we can begin searching for our birth family. We are excited to not only welcome a new baby into our home but a whole new extended family as well. I am going to try my very best to keep this updated so we can pass this info onto our birth parents.

If you know of anyone who is looking for an adoptive family, please send them our way. It is a journey we would love to share with any of you willing to help:)

As for us, Donnie is doing amazing. He is a great dad and an awesome husband! I love him more now than I did when we were first together. I never understood what people meant about that but I'm beginning to understand. He is going to be finishing up his last year at JSU. Finally! We are excited what that holds for us in the near future.

I am going to start school again in the Fall in Graphic Design and Photography. I will also be taking some drawing and painting classes. It's something I have always wanted to do but never had the courage to do it. I am so grateful for my family supporting me in this new adventure.

Josey is incredible. I don't really need to tell you that though, as I am sure all of you that know her will agree:) She is learning to read and is working really hard to learn the sounds of the letters. She can write her first and last name, count to one hundred and is willing to be friends with anyone. She loves to help cook and do the dishes! How I hope that one sticks around forever! She is such a beautiful little girl and I'm so grateful for her in my life. I wouldn't be me without her. We wouldn't be whole without her.

Not much else is new in our lives. We will be getting some cards to pass out to pretty much everyone for our adoption so if you are willing to pass some out please let us know and we will get them in the mail to you.

once upon a

2010-03-10T06:04:00.000-08:00

I'm so bad at keeping this thing updated. I'm going to try really hard to do more. Today I'm going to see Alice and Wonderland with Josey. She's going to love it. I hope anyway. My mom and I always try and watch the cartoon one (I've never seen the whole thing) and we always fall asleep in the middle. Apparently this is a run in the family thing because Josey does it too. We may actually end up seeing the Tooth Fairy instead. She might like that better. Not sure yet. Unless Donnie took her to see that. I can't remember.

Well, we are finished with all of the paperwork and now we wait. Hurry up and wait. Sounds a lot like the military. Hurry up and wait. Such is life I suppose. So we are excitedly awaiting the letter of approval and we'll go from there. Exciting times are ahead!

much accomplished and much to go.

2010-01-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Josey sweetly spilled a cup of water over my cell phone so it now buzzes, apparently when I talk to people. However, the buzz is only on their side, so either I need a new phone or they need new ears. I'm going with the new phone so I cashed in our insurance on our att plan and I am getting a new phone sent out. It's blue not green which is super sad but it should work. Here's hoping.

Before Donnie left for work we were discussing the fact that we were going to have to sit in the 3 hours a Tuesday night class for 10 weeks and listen to someone tell us how to be parents. Now, we know we are not by any means perfect parents but we do strive to be the best we can be. Minus the screaming fits. Mine, not Josey's. So we decided that our tax return is the amount it is for a reason. I'll come back to the rest later.

Yesterday I was able to help out a friend and there was more received on my end then on theirs. I got to hold one of the cutest little boys ever! And while I was doing that I fell in love with the idea of a baby. Then later we went to the Teel's to help with the heater/ac, Donnie not me and mostly Jerry not him, and while I was playing with their little one I realized I want a baby. Josey will just have to deal with being four years older because I WANT A BABY!!!!

So this morning I woke up and went to my parents to use their phone so that I could hear and got my phone situation taken care of. Then I called LDSFS to set up an appt and get some paper work to get us a baby! So with that said, Robin, our caseworker, is sending it tomorrow and then she will either come here or we will go to Georgia.

I realized yesterday that with the whole adoption thing I was expecting to find our kid that accidentally went to the wrong family but that's not really how it works. God doesn't make mistakes. I think I've realized this before, but it didn't stick. So there isn't necessarily a kid out there that was supposed to come to us and didn't just a kid that somewhere is supposed to come to us and went to the right birth mom first. We are so anxious to get things rolling and find us a baby. It's going to be a fun and interesting journey.

So if any of you have a baby you don't want (I know, I know) or know someone who is putting a baby up for adoption let us know.

What a wonderful world...

2010-01-22T05:40:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a little boy. This little boy was a spaz and had red hair and freckles and was nothing but trouble. This little boy grew up and became a missionary. This missionary served with all his heart and shared the gospel with some of the most amazing people. This missionary grew up into a man and took his wife to the temple. This man and wife had a little girl and continued on in their happy lives. This man joined the Air National Guard so he could continue to serve. He served his country by going off to war, only to return home safely to his happy family. This man got a promotion and was living his life.

Then one day, he decided to join the magical, mysterious and sometimes evil world of politics. And it was here, in this world of politics, he found his other true love. His place where he could get paid to do what he loved. And I must say folks, he was and will continue to be amazing!

Yes, you guessed it, Donnie had his first political speech last night. He was so good! I am so very proud of him. As we was up there at that podium speaking his heart out, I realized that he had stepped into the place where he has always been meant to be. I am so grateful for the promptings of the spirit to lead us to the true places we are to be.

I can't believe I'm saying it but I'm going to love being a politicians wife. Not because of the politics (obviously) but because Donnie has found that thing that makes him light up every time he talks about it. I always knew he loved getting into heated discussions with friends and family but last night, he had the same light in his eyes that he did when he came home from his mission, the same light that is there every time we attend the temple. The same light that comes with every laugh and smile from our little girl. The same light that Heavenly Father has given us to know that there is one true church and that we are a part of it. He is going to help change the world, one vote at a time and I couldn't be more proud or happy of this place we have reached.

It's such a long road to get to the point where you know you are doing what you were meant to do. I got there when Josey was born. I'm a mommy and I love it! That's the job I've always wanted and how blessed am I to have it! It's the best job ever. And now, Donnie has it too. So often it is important and necessary to do what you can to support those you love. Now, he is going to get to do what he loves to support those he loves.

What a wonderful life.

For the little boy to come into our lives...

2009-12-30T04:48:00.000-08:00

Adoption is just right. I know that there is a time and a place for all things in life. If I would have learned that, truly learned that, I would have saved myself three years of heartache. However, had I done that I wouldn't have grown or learned as much as I have in these past three years. Ha! I said grown! Hopefully that's the case anyway.

I have been feeling like for a really long time that there is a little boy waiting to come into our family. What I didn't realize until a few months ago is that he is already here, waiting to be found by us, his family. The feeling is getting so much stronger that we are to search for our little boy.

When we started talking about adoption, before Donnie was deployed, I knew it was something we needed to do but was so uncomfortable with the idea. It wasn't the right time. Then we found out Donnie was getting deployed and had to stop, again, not the right time but I was relieved, not sad. I had it stuck in my head that the only way I would be happy with adding kids to our family was through us, biologically. I know that Heavenly Father prepares us for all things and that had I not gone through my life and trials I don't think I would be where I am now and ready to accept and fully open myself up to the idea of adoption.

What a blessing it is that these little babies can find homes that are better suited for them. Whether it's that they went to the wrong family ( I don't think so because God doesn't make mistakes) or that they just need more family (I'm thinking this might be it) we won't know but I do know that at this time in our lives adoption is going to work.

I am so excited about the possibility of our little boy. I know he's out there somewhere and it's just a matter of finding him. The first little boy that I fell in love with just by looking at him is a no go. We were told that we can't adopt out of state until six months after we finish the classes with DHR. They don't seem very interested however, in getting us started. Then yesterday something really strange happened. I have no idea if it's going to work out but it's a lead and that's what this life is all about, following the Spirit and following leads.

So a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine, was on Facebook yesterday and we were chatting and catching up and I told her we are going to adopt. She asked if we were going through the church and I said no. We really want to adopt a toddler. I want to have my own baby, which I know I will do someday, so we want a little bit older. Anyway, I told her we were going through the state and she asked how we felt about one that wasn't in the system and I said of course! We are open to all possibilities and she told me that a member of her family had a baby who is now 18 months old. We talked about it last night and we are definitely taking the lead. We were really excited about it. It's strange, I'm excited but calm. Those two things, I wasn't aware, could exist in the same place.

Anyway, we are waiting to hear back from her about what the grandparents want to do. She said they definitely want to be involved and how awesome is that? We would have three sets of grandparents for our kids! Not many are that blessed! So we are just waiting and praying. It's all very exciting! I'm going to have a little boy! EEEPPPP!!!!! Whether it's this boy or another, we are really excited! I'm even trying to think of what to do to the room. I'm thinking gray (thanks Corrie) with frogs. I love frogs. And then we can change it later to whatever but little boys like frogs right? How fun and so exciting! It's so true when one door closes another one bigger and better opens. What joy comes from this life.

Run with the law. (or away from it, apparently)

2009-12-10T03:52:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday my dear husband, who lost his drivers license, military ID, and the form used to get the National Guard tags renewed, went to get a new drivers license. He walks up to the desk and proceeds to go through the typical responses on losing a license and needing a new one. The response that follows (or something like it, edited a bit for dramatic effect, of course): "Sir, your license has been suspended and you need to contact the Cleburne County imbasils who screwed up royally and pay us thousands upon hundreds of thousands of dollars so we can hire people who actually have a brain" (Ok, granted, I'm being a little harder on the system than I should be, HA! right...)

He leaves and calls the court house and receives these delightful instructions from the lady on the phone: "Um, dumb head, you have a warrant out for your arrest and you have been fleeing from the law for over a year. Turn yourself in and the rest will be harmless." He then is able to talk to the wonderful, compasionate, patient, country boy judge this side has ever seen. "Son, (spits in spitune) (can't spell it but you get the idea), you were to appear in court in 2008 (spit) and upon failure to uh, do so, you were (spit) issued a warrant and your (spit) license (spit) was suspended (spit, spit, spit). You need to uh, come in with some papers that show us you had (spit) insurance on the days in question." Donnie's reply, "I WAS THERE TWO DAYS AFTER IT HAPPENED AND TURNED IN A COPY OF MY INSURANCE BECAUSE OF THE IDIOT PEOPLE YOU HAVE WORKING FOR YOU THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!!"

Ok, so seriously, not really, the judge was wonderful and the ladies that worked there were so nice. We went in yesterday and waited to speak with the judge after being told there is a 272 dollar fine and then another 150 to get his license back. The judge null somethinginged the 272 and we are currently working on getting the other 150 taken away.

Because after all, if the failure to appear in court was sent to an address lived at four years prior, you can't very well expect one to know they have to appear in court. DUH!!!!! So here we are today, he has to call the court house back and get them to send over a letter head, signed by the judge letter, stating that they did in fact, send out a notice but sent it to the wrong address and then they will be able to reinstate his license at no cost. Our argument is that if the judge threw it out because they screwed up, then the license was NEVER suspended in the first place.

So for a day and a half I was knowingly aiding and abbedding (again, I have NO idea how to spell that, stupid spell checker thingy, what good is it if it doesn't know how to spell either?) a fugitive of the law. Who's going to be friends with me know?

Our process of adoption....

2009-12-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

Adopting is something that we have always wanted to do and for one reason or another have been dragging our feet and coming up with every excuse under the sun as to why not to do it. Well, the thinking and praying and that nagging feeling you have to do something hasn't gone away. We have decided to pursue this path at this time. I guess this is where I will keep people updated. It will be much easier.

So far we are at the paper work stage. We are going to go through DHR or the state rather than the church. As much as we would love to have a new born, debt isn't the way to bring a child into this world, and that is the only way we could do it if we had to pay large amounts for it. It is so sad to me to think of all the kids out there that need homes and can't have them because people can't afford to get them.

We are opening up every door possible to add to our family. We have been emailing back and forth trying to find the right people to contact. I think we may have found the person. We aren't picky about gender or race but we want a healthy baby and will not take anyone that is older than Josey. We are excited about the possibility that this new avenue will bring and are grateful to those of you wanting to share in our journey.

I'm also finding it hilarious how difficult it has been for me to choose a blog background! There are just too many cute ones. Too funny!

I'm thankful for the eternal perspective...

2009-11-25T03:01:00.000-08:00

To know that there is a reason for all things is perhaps the most comforting knowledge of all. Not only that there is a reason, but that, as a wise friend has reminded me, Heavenly Father knows that reason. He is the one in charge of my life and because of that everything is always okay.

I am thankful during this thanksgiving holiday season that I have a family that I love with all my heart and that I am blessed to spend eternity with them. That is reason enough to be happy. But wait, there's more! I'm thankful that Josey still loves to run and snuggle up with me at night before falling asleep, I'm thankful for her getting jealous over the DOG sitting in my lap at night, too cute, I'm thankful that she is so smart and so beautiful, I'm thankful that I have been blessed to have her in my life. I'm thankful for my children that Heavenly Father has with Him. What a blessing to know of their safety and the warmth and comfort they get daily.

The hardest thing for me in this whole trying to get pregnant experience is truly turning things over to the Lord. I thought for so long that if I wasn't going to doctors and I wasn't taking the medicine and watching everything and trying all the time that meant I wasn't doing ALL I could and then turn it all over to the Lord. But I realized today that in doing all those things, For me and me alone, I'm not turning it over to the Lord. When I was receiving those promptings a few months ago I wasn't on any drugs and I wasn't doing anything but exercising. I was told by Heavenly Father to lose weight and my body would work right. I have lost weight and the month I did nothing was the month I miscarried, but I did get pregnant.

So now I'm done. I'm giving over everything to Him. I'm done with the drugs, I'm done with the temperature taking every morning, I'm done with expectations of what I think is right. I'm going to live my life and enjoy it with my beautiful blessing of a daughter and I'm going to try with EVERYTHING I am NOT to be angry or hurt when I find out other people are pregnant. I'm done physically trying. I'm going to read my scriptures, keep the commandments and give up this crazy drive I have of control. I have never really given my life to the Lord and it's going to be a huge process. It's going to take so much but I am GOING TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's my plan for the future. Fasting, praying, reading my scriptures, serving others, being a good example, fulfilling my calling, enjoying my hubby, enjoying my baby, and enjoying my life. If and when it is time to happen again, Heavenly Father will make it happen. I'm done trying to control it and I'm done month to month hoping. I have a deep hope that someday it will happen but I know my life, and the lives of those around me will be much better if I let go of this part of my life and truly turn it over to the Lord. It's going to be really hard and I'm going to try not to be afraid, afraid of failure, afraid that Heavenly Father won't ever bless me, afraid of not having control. I HAVE to do this! I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please help me. I know I can't do it alone.

I'm thankful that I have the Holy Ghost in my life to help guide me to the people I need most in one moment. The people that know exactly what to say. I received a blessing awhile ago and was told that I just need to listen to those around me and that the Holy Ghost will speak through them. It is so true and I am so grateful for priesthood blessings. I have gotten over this month of hurt and disappointment and anger very quickly because I took heed to what Heavenly Father has told me to do. I'm done living my life month to month and I'm going to start living it day to day. Enjoying everyone that I am blessed to live in.

I'm going to do what I can to change the world, my little girl at a time:)

2009-11-19T14:27:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father really loves me and is always looking out for me. He knows my heart and He knows the struggles I will endure before they arrive. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be for Him to see us, love us and want the best for us, yet still know what is coming and the heartache it will cause.

I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ I have become a stronger person and I rely more completely on the Lord in my daily life. I am so grateful for my family and friends and for the strength they are to me. I know that in the end these trials of life will all somehow make sense and that right now they don't need to make sense. All that matters, all that I need to know is that Heavenly Father has it all under control.

Somehow that makes unbearable much better.

Josey is the best dang kid EVER!

2009-11-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

Josey is awesome! She is thriving in ways that amaze us every day. This morning we were driving in the car on the way home from cleaning the church and we were talking about going to see Dora at Martins. We told her that she had to be good because we wouldn't be able to go unless she was. She said "Yeah, because Dora doesn't want to meet a mean Josey." She was just so matter of fact about it. I love this kid!
We went on a hike a few days ago and these are some of the things she discovered...

All the same leaf but who doesn't love looking at her?

her walking stick.

The kids new friend Gary. For anyone who knows Josey, you know she freaks out at the tiniest of bugs but Gary, all slimy and slithery she LOVED!

She even had to say goodbye.

We had a blast and she loves all her new friends. She is growing and learning so much everyday. It is amazing to watch her progress. She can count to 80 without any reminding and 100 with a bit of reminding. She is learning to write her letters and her name and is thriving in gymnastics. She got her back walkover thing on the bars and just loves her coaches. I'm so proud of my little munchkin and wish I had a ton more time to brag about her amazingness but alas, I do not want to waste the rest of my life bragging about her and no time enjoying her so off I go to have some fun with my awesomeness!

count your blessings

2009-11-03T15:23:00.000-08:00

Benefits of having an only child.

Can ride with anyone anywhere because there is only two of us.
Can do lots of stuff on a whim because there are only two of us.
Can go on lots of vacations because we won't be dead broke.
No more dirty diapers.
No more middle of the night wake ups.
Almost done with tantrums.
Having a great time with my girl.
Being able to spoil her rotten.
Josey.
No more stretch marks.
No more csections.
No more morning sickness.
No labor pains.
No having to decide home birth or hospital.

That's lots of good things. Josey is such a blessing in our life. I'm so grateful for our girl.

hopeful and hopeless

2009-10-25T02:56:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating a lot lately about the Book of Mormon and the effect that it has had on the world. Since coming forth millions of people have read it and began following it's teachings. Some of turned it away. Before I joined the church I didn't have to read the Book of Mormon to believe that it is scripture. Joseph Smith is and was a prophet and that was all I needed to know at that point.

I look at the things that have changed in my life and how grateful I am for those changes. I have a child and a husband that I will be sealed to for not only this life but the eternities of lives to come. That in and of itself makes every little act, thought and decision, incredibly worth it.

As most of my blog readers know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. This 'infertile' problem that started 3 years ago January has given me cause to reflect. I have had an incredible journey and it continues. Some days, like today I have those moments of hopelessness. However, they are brief and pass quite nicely. This is because of my testimony of Christ's atonement. What that means in my life and above all a sure knowledge of a plan of salvation and a Heavenly Father that loves me more than I can ever imagine another loving.

I hate trying to get pregnant. I hate the disappointment each month brings. I hate the sadness, the anger, the wonder, the doubts and everything else that goes with this trial. However, more than the hate there is love. Again, love for the same things I mentioned earlier but above all that a love for this gospel and for the Book of Mormon. I brings hope and light where there is NONE. It brings pure joy and love to those around me and makes me again, so grateful for what I have been blessed with.

I'm pretty sure there will be tears this day for another cycle coming and going, but at the end of the day, because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I will put a smile on my face, and have my warm fuzzy feelings back to get me through the next one. After all, that's what this life is for. Love and hate, joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, so that we might know the true measure of love when we do someday return to our Heavenly Father.

See I feel better already. I really do love blogging. Sorry for the blah blah blah.... It really feels as though it gets old and redundant. Oh well, that's the beauty of blogging. If you don't want to hear it, then don't read it:)
I guess I should put that at the beginning.

Alma and our days today.

2009-10-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

While I've been reading through Alma and learning of the great wars and tribulations they experienced, I also loved the victories and the glories they gave to God when they did succeed. I found it quite interesting how much it talks about a government that has been corrupted (not talking about anyone imparticular) and they were not acknowledging God in all things. I see that so much today and how sad it is that our governement, repulicans and democrats alike are corrupting the very foundation our country was built on. I'm so grateful for a gospel that shows why all things happens and gives us hope and a sure knowledge that as bad as it's going to get (I imagine it will get worse) we have that promise and bright place ahead to focus on. I pray daily for our government that they will repent and find God and apply His principles in their daily dealings with our sacred land.

On another note, I had a great birthday yesterday. I am SO grateful for Joy and Heidi and Elizabeth and Eden for joining Josey and I at breakfast. We had such a great time. It was a great way to start a great day. We then adventured to the pumpkin patch, which I am extremely grateful that we will be going to again with a homeschool group next week because there was so much fun stuff to do. Then Josey and I came home and I got to play with my new gel nails kit and then we went to dinner with some more great friends. Joy and Greg and Rebecky:) and Freda and Donnie and Grandma and Donnie and Rowena and all the kiddos that come with those people and my parents. They tried to surprise me but I had a feeling they would be there:) I didn't get a birthday cake, so I'll be getting one this weekend from Walmart because I love me a good Walmart cake. But it was fabulous. We had a great time visiting at OCharly's and the food was great. The kids were awesome and it was so fun to share my day with some awesome people. Donnie was so sweet. He got me some flowers and a cute card about a boy and a girl who fell in love. Ahhhh... (now you may turn your head and commence throw up)

Overcome with (in this order)

2009-10-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

Gratitude for those who have been baptized and the spirit that they brought today to the confirmation.

Joy for the baby blessing we had today.

Gratitude for the baby I have that is growing so remarkably and turning into such a beautiful girl.

Sadness for the baby I have that is growing so remarkably and turning into such a big beautiful girl.

Anxiety for the anger that was creeping into my heart for not having been blessed with another baby.

Anger for not having been blessed with another baby.

Heartache for not having been blessed with another baby.

Fear that we will never be blessed with another baby.

Sorrow for the feelings of anger that I have worked so hard for so long to turn into love and hope.

Heartache for my inability to allow the atonement to work in my life daily and for the pain this causes to my Savior.

Sorrow for the empty feeling I had today as I watched the beautiful blessing of the new spirit.

Sadness for the empty feeling.

Jealousy for what I don't have.

Sorrow, heartache and pure repentance for the jealousy for what I don't have.

Gratitude for my husband.

Gratitude for my daughter.

Gratitude that I have been sealed to my husband and daughter for time and all eternity.

Gratitude for the friends that cared enough to notice my heartache and give me a hug when I needed it most.

Gratitude for a husband that knew exactly what to say.

And more than anything this day, I am overcome with pure joy and awe at the amazing life I am so blessed to be living. I am so grateful for my daughter, for my testimony in a gospel that creates love, friendships, charity, faith, hope and above all, an unwavering testimony that my Savior lives. That He loves ME and that He atoned for my sins so that I might be able to have joy and peace in this life. Without hope we have fear and without love we have hate. I want love and hope, not fear and hate. I want to live my life so that when I am at the feet of my Savior I will hear Him say "Well done." I am so grateful that during this moment of sadness and jealousy and anger and hate that I had this day and the temptations I had from Satan to lose my hope and faith in things that I KNOW will come, that my Savior was there for me to lean on. That through others that crossed my path this day, my unknown prayers were answered and I was brought back from a place I don't ever want to go again.

I learned however that it's so important to not only be doing good but to be humble and know that I am a human and have so many faults and I will fall. Everyday I will fall but after the fall, there is light and love and warmth and comfort in the Lord. Through Him my sins are forgiven and I can have joy. I want for nothing. I need for nothing. I am for the Lord and because of that I have all that I need and all that I can ever want. How blessed I truly am this day to have a testimony that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to this earth through the prophet Joseph Smith and that we have a living prophet today, even Thomas S. Monson. What a blessing to have temples on this earth that we can perform the sacred ordinances that allow us to live once again with not just our family but with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so glad for the timing of the Lord. I am so grateful that my faith is in Him, the one I serve and profess my faith to and my life to this day and every day to come.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

2009-10-05T03:19:00.000-07:00

If you lack wisdom.... You shall no longer doubt following this powerful testimony of the Book of Mormon.

2009-10-02T05:41:00.000-07:00

I hope to gain from my 30 day read of the Book of Mormon a solid and unshakable testimony of the scriptures and the gospel in my life. It is my prayer that I will stand shameless before the Lord at the great day when He will come again. I know that if we do everything we can to live the gospel then satan has NO power over us and will lose His ability to effect me in my life. I find the negative thoughts creep in from time to time about whether we really will have more children. But as I was reading today I realized that if I have the faith and 100% believe that we WILL have a child then I WILL have a child. I KNOW that I will be pregnant this month. No if ands or buts. I just will. I have been prompted throughout the last few months to come to this point in my life. I am so grateful that I have made a commitment to read the BOM in 30 days. I'm so grateful that it is going to give me the faith I need to Know with a surety that I WILL be pregnant this month and the blessings will abound. Not because I deserve them but because and only because the Lord loves me and I am doing EVERYTHING I can to follow His will. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. Blessings truly come when we least expect it. I believe, though, that we least expect it because we feel completely full and in NEED of nothing because we are doing what we can to live the gospel. It's amazing that we give a tiny bit and receive so much in return. It really all does come from the Lord.

Book of Mormon in 30 days day 1.

2009-10-01T03:17:00.000-07:00

So today I have started. It took me 45 minutes to read the first part. It was 1 Nephi 1-10. It's amazing to me that I can speed read the scriptures and still understand what I'm reading. I learned today that Sariah had much faith in her husband. For she didn't gain her testimony until after they had fled into the wilderness. I believe that we really are sent to this earth with a purpose and that it took a special woman to be married to him to believe him and follow him in his dealings with the Lord. It also stood out to me that it truly doesn't matter to many if they have heavenly manifestations or signs if they aren't truly converted. Lamen and Lemuel were shown the power of God many times over and still didn't have the faith necessary to follow Him. In their day they had to wait for the coming of the Savior. They were born in a time when there was no gospel. No baptism, no ordinances, no temples, no support system but each other. Not only are we blessed to live in this time but we are blessed to have a prophet to guide and direct us. We have a HUGE support system no matter where we go, we have the ability to go to the temple, to be baptized, to be sealed to our families for time and eternity. I wonder if their work had to be done for them? If they couldn't be baptized because of the priesthood not being here then their work has to be done right? Interesting thought. Anyone know the answer?

Book of Mormon in 30 days.

2009-09-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

Who's with me? I'm going to read the Book of Mormon in 30 days. That means I'll finish my October 30. I know that this month will be filled with spiritual experiences and will draw me and my family closer to the Lord. I am starting tomorrow to give those who want a chance to get on board. Go to www.readthescriptures.com and join my team. It's going to be awesome! Our spirits will radiate and others will see it and want to know why. It's great for missionary work and even better for our own spirituality. Think of all the people we could help by uniting together and doing it! I'm so excited for the month!

Today's thoughts

2009-09-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

BORING!!!!! My brain is currently in shut down mode. I'm exhausted for some reason. Oh, wait! It's because I got up at 4 a.m. this morning because I had to get up at 5 a.m. to go run and I was afraid if I went back to sleep I wouldn't got and then I had to be at a friends at 8. Well, the run was COLD and the trip to IKEA as awesome! The only thing that would have made it better is to not have had the kiddos. We put them in the play place thing but they lasted about 30 minutes. Bummer! But they were excellent little girls and listened very well. I got some pretty rockin' stuff! I think I found what I want painted onto my table. hint hint Norma! :) Tonight we are going on a date to the trivia thing at mellow mushroom. YUM!!!! We get pizza!!!!! And Josey is way excited because her favorite babysitter is coming over.

So this is my BORING thoughts for today. Sorry no drama or humor or spiritual thoughts. I'm a dork today.

I hope you watched.

2009-09-27T04:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that all of you are girls and I hope that all of you were able to see the Relief Society broadcast last night. It was phenomenal. Yesterday was an extremely spirtiual day. Now I get the missionary experience. First we went to the primary activity, the mini mtc. The primary did a great job. Then we went to a baptism. I was able to witness the spirit testifying and the person receiving that testimony right as she was being baptized. It was an incredible thing to witness. The spirit was incredibly strong at that meeting and I hope that she and her son will both find joy in enduring to the end. Then we had the broadcast and dinner before. It was fun to be without any kids and to just enjoy the time as sisters and friends. I'm so grateful to be a member of this church. Every decision I have made since January 2002 has been because of the gospel and I couldn't be happier or more blessed for it. I'm grateful that I made the decision to attend last nights meeting. The Lord is at work on this earth and He will not lose this war. It's a great time to be alive and see the gospel in action. We have a prophet on this earth who leads and guides us today. Nothing could be greater.

I have seen signs of Heavenly Father's love all around us. All people really need to do is be ready to look and listen and they too can receive the full love of God. It's an incredibly comforting feeling to be wrapped in His love. Happy sabbath everyone.

A milestone has been reached.

2009-09-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Our little girl, well, big girl, went to the dentist today for the first time! I'm so proud of her. She did awesome! She was up in the chair the first time she was asked and was so proud of her big accomplishment. She got comfortable very quickly.

She was then introduced to the many tools she would be experiencing and was a bit nervous but the sweet lady very quickly calmed her nerves and in no time she was so excited. No tears just that inquisitive look on her face.

And most importantly got to ride the chair up and down. Note the open mouth. She was READY!

Checking her out with the mirror.

Fluoride and last but not least, she came out looking and talking and walking....

LIKE A DUCK!!!!!!!!! QUACK!!!!!!

Seriously though, she did awesome. I was such a first time mom. Had to literally fight back the tears and took a million pictures. I'm such a dork. Oh well, at least it is captured in time and I can put this picture, her duck picture up at her graduation and of course wedding and showers and so many other great places to torture my princess. Just kidding. I've never really been good with pictures so I'm glad I was prepared.

And here are two really cute pictures. Showing off her car seat and snoozing yesterday after being exhausted and run around ragged. Maybe that had something to do with the duck like qualities? Hmmm....

May your dreams this night be as sweet as Josey's.

A perfect September Saturday

2009-09-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today, this glorious Saturday, started out with rain. It was fanamenal to wake up to the rain falling from the roof. But it did make me have to pee. So I was up by 6 a.m. and running around the house like mad trying to get ready to go run before it stopped raining. I had planned to do a two hour run today but alas, it did not happen. I was running and loving the feeling of rain pouring down my face and the sound of the rain on the lake when the ditch started to flood, I flopped into a HUGE water puddle, my shoes were wet to my ankles, and on top of all that, I was so wet I was carrying around another twenty pounds or so. I felt like when I started running. Slow and unable. So next Saturday it is. Maybe, the primary thing is next Saturday so I guess that won't work either. Anyway, I ran a mile and a half in about 15 minutes. Not bad, and I felt like I was going slow. Oh well, to the car I went and home I came to freeze myself when I walked in and realized the air conditioner was on! WHAT!!!!!???? It was SOOOO cold. I immediately turned into an icicle. After I thawed, Josey woke up and Donnie got up.

We did some laundry, showered, and I watched Psych. Awesome show! It's hilarious! On USA if you are interested. Then we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. YUM! Except it was so slow all of our insides started to come out. Not literally but it sure sounded like it would have been literal any moment. Then Donnie and Josey dropped me off at my home away from home. Yes, you guessed it, the thrift store. I love that place! I did start my clomid today for this cycle and I was feeling a bit weird. And the hot flashes started. Freezing following one from the sweat that accumulates, taking off the sweatshirt, putting it back on. Ugh! Donnie and Josey went to the arcade in the mall and then came back and got me. Then we rented some movies. Valkyrie, I think that's how it's spelled, Einstein, remember Einstein. 17 Again, Corilina, and um... I can't remember. I think two Barbie movies for Josey. Then we came back home and made some popcorn and Josey watched the Barbie movie on the computer while Donnie and I watched the other one.

Now our pizza is ready and need I say more? The end to a perfect, rainy, cool, September Saturday.

"my cup overfloweth"

2009-09-17T06:38:00.001-07:00

My last few days have been wild! On Tuesday I got a positive pregnancy test. Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test I also got many negatives but the positive ones were in the morning first thing. However, it looks like whatever it is is ending today. I'm so grateful that I was able to experience a bit of a pregnancy for a few days. It's a strange thing, this life. I really believe that we are here to grow. Not only in ourselves but with our spouses and our children and most importantly in our relationship with our Heavenly Father. I am now, more than ever before, so grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful that He knows the struggles of this life. I'm grateful that I know He loves me. What a great day when I can stand before Him and cry out "My God, My King!" And bow to His feet and wash them with my tears. This tiny little imperfect person that I am and He still has room for me. It's an incredible plan.

I'm so ok right now and it's almost a little bit scary. If this would have happened to me a few months ago I'm not sure I would have survived. However, Heavenly Father knows us better than anything and He knows the perfect time for all trials. No tears have been shed and no ill feelings have been felt. I'm so grateful for the blessings I have in my life and I am in NEED of nothing. The blessings that Heavenly Father will add to our family in His time will come when they and we are ready. The blessings are there and they are just waiting for that perfect time to enter our lives. I'm so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel. I'm so grateful for the testimony I have and the strength that I receive from it. I'm grateful for my family and friends and the support they give. I love the temple. I love to be in that holy place and feel so close to my Father. I am thankful that I have the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that if I can live this life according to His plan, not only will I return to live with Him again but I will be with my family again. My cup is over flowing with gratitude this day.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

2009-09-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

Some things have been going on the last few days and it's been extremely hard not to blog about. Oh my! Did I just say that? Wow! I have been entrapped in the blog. EEP! Not to much interesting stuff here today. I'm going to be making pizza for dinner and I should have made the dough hours ago. I stink. Oh well. It's looking like it might rain and I'm thinking of going for a run. I'm itching because I didn't get to go this morning. I'm not sure if I'll go tonight or wait until morning. We'll see. Hope everyone is doing well. BORING!!!!!

the temple

2009-09-16T03:52:00.000-07:00

I'm extremely excited to go to the temple tonight. I can't wait to remove myself from the world for a few hours and commune with my Heavenly Father.

Now it's the next morning and it was a marvelous time. Lots of inspiring thoughts and feelings. Definitely need to go back more often. It was really hard to stay awake thought. Not only was I in the quite serenity of the temple but it was the 8 o clock session.

The biggest lesson I learned. Have faith like a little child. Go with the feelings I have been given and don't ask questions. Be patient (obviously not like a little child) and kind and loving and just believe. Don't let the grown up mind take away from the feelings that heavenly Father gives. It was exactly what I needed. That usually happens!

The evil Red Light Fairy

2009-09-14T04:21:00.000-07:00

I have thought for some time now that here, living in quiet little town of Oxford Alabama that there lives a fairy. "Ahhhh... a fairy!" I thought, "how cute is that!" However, this fairy is a little red light fairy and NOT CUTE AT ALL!!!!!! She sits at the intersections in Oxford awaiting traffic. Is she helpful? OH NO SHE IS NOT! Quite the opposite actually. She sits spying on the innocent drivers of the road and patiently waits... she waits for the cars to disperse and once the road is clear, you would think she would be so kind as to change that light to green so that the cars that are coming down the road would have a free and clear path to go unto their destination, but then her name wouldn't FIT! OH NO! She waits until you are coming and then BAM the light goes RED! NO ONE IS COMING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. NOT FOR MILES AND MILES BUT SHE TURNS THAT LIGHT RED AND IT STAYS RED UNTIL ANOTHER CAR IS COMING. THERE IS NO LOGIC, NO SENSE, ONLY HATE AND HUMOR FOR THIS LITTLE RED FAIRY! Her day comes to an end NEVER!!!!!!! She lives to watch others be late to appointments and laughs when the frustration shows in their faces.

So friends, I say it's time for a revolution! When ever we are stopped at that dreaded red light by that little evil red light fairy, lets not shriek or curse her name, no, let us show her the love that she is so clearly missing and look up at her with our pretty little eyes and flash her the biggest, ugliest, silliest, stick tongue out at her face EVER!

Because if nothing else, my fellow stuck at red light people, you will begin to feel a little bit better about your time that she wasted while sitting at a light when no one is coming for those miles and miles:) Have a good day and peace be with you until we meet again.

am I nuts? I think I am reaching the brink...

2009-09-14T03:08:00.001-07:00

I'm going running! YAY ME!!!!!!!! Been up since 2:45 so I might as well do something useful.

2009-09-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Stake conference was awesome! I didn't get much out of it because I was helping a friend with her kiddo's, taking care of my own kiddo and freezing. However, I got more than I get on a usual Sunday.

So away we go..... Please keep hands feet and all objects inside at all times, if one should lose an object or limb, I am not going to be held accountable:)

OK, so the baby thing... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, everyone is probably sick of hearing about it but it's my life and my blog so there.

Obviously we have been trying yada yada... I have been saying, it's not going to happen this month, no way is it going to happen to me... on and on. Well, of course now with that mentality how can anything good happen really? I guess the fear of getting my hopes up can hold one back, for where there is fear there can be NO faith.

From this day forward I pledge to myself, my family and my Heavenly Father to have faith and KNOW that it WILL happen to me. So the epiphany: Heavenly Father has a baby waiting for us and He has been waiting on ME to be ready, but more importantly waiting for ME to KNOW that He was waiting on me to just BELIEVE it will happen. No doubts, no nothing, just pure faith. It will happen, it will happen, it will happen... I KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN. So why not this month? Why not tomorrow? Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and get a huge FAT BFP! Of course if it is His time, obviously, but it WILL happen and when it does it will be the most wonderful est, more perfectest, most loveliest, most cutest, most handsomest, most adorable st pee stick in the whole wide world!!!!!

10 dpo

2009-09-13T03:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the horrible cycle time. I will share a bit with you my insanity that comes at 10 dpo. But first, I should tell you that yesterday we went to FUJI and YUMMY! It was great! Second, everywhere I turned yesterday I saw a pregnant belly. There was no hate, no envy, no jealousy, no coveting, just longing to have my own little one wiggling around inside. So is it now? Probably not, but it will be soon. I'm quite certain. I received a marvelous blessing not to long ago and was promised that we would conceive and bear or bare or some other word, (again with the english language) many more children. I am ok with one more but many more? I will be 30 next month and many more children? I will take what ever I can get. I really just hope I'm not 40 and still having my many more. LOL.

So when 10 dpo hits, no matter how insanely calm I am to this point, I get the constant butterflies, the what was that for every cramp, twitch, thought, feeling etc. I WILL NOT test until tomorrow and ONLY if my temps stay up. Yes, I have been doing charting for over four years now total. It's quite annoying but really awesome to know for sure by morning of the 11th day if my hopes are shattered for this month. If our little miracle happens now that would be exactly that, a miracle. My body is starting to work now and we totally weren't expecting that this month. So let's just say the timing thing wasn't the best. But if Heavenly Father wills it then it can MIRACULOUSLY happen! I know that with out a shadow of a doubt. So here I am my typical end of cycle insomnia. I woke up at 330 and thought for sure it was later. So I didn't take my temp until I just woke up and it was quite high. Usually it's dropped by this point. Or so I thought so I quickly raced in to see what it looks like and as you can see from my chart, if you are intersted, it is quite typical for my temp to still be up. tomorrow's will be the clincher. I will go run in the morning and that will help a ton if it is down. Disappoint still creeps in month after month but usually only lasts a few minutes and I'm back up and moving and so extremely grateful for my little miracle I already have. I love being Josey's mom and I love being married to Donnie. I wouldn't trade the family I have or the life I have to have anything different from what I have been blessed with.

I think the thing that helps the most is that I know my Savior lives. I know that He knows exactly the pains and the anguish and the sadness that comes each month after the inevitable happens. I also know that because my Savior lives and because my Heavenly Father loves me so and knows the perfect timing for all things that someday we will be blessed with more, many more children in our home. Whether that be this life or the eternities, I will not know for some time but timing, my timing, doesn't matter. Only the Lord's. I will not EVER try to bend His will, only bend to allow His will to enter my life for I know that is the only way we will truely ever be happy as a family. I'm so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and for the blessings that come from being a member of His church. I also know that if a fourteen year old boy can wander into a grove and follow a simple word of advice found in James 1: 5 "^aIf any of you lack ^bwisdom, let him ask of God, that ^cgiveth to all men liberally, and ^dupbraideth not; and it shall be given him." and find his wisdom from our God of love then I too can have the faith that is desired from our Lord.

Check this out:

I had never read any more of that chapter but I just found this: James 1:2-4
2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into ^adivers ^btemptations;

3 Knowing this, that the ^atrying of your faith worketh ^bpatience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be ^aperfect and entire, wanting nothing.

I have always said that my purpose here and my trial to overcome and perfect is patience. And this scripture completely explained and confirmed to me that I have far to go but have come so far from where I once was. I know that the trying of my faith in trying to bring another spirit into this world is working my patience in every ounce of my being. However, I also know and knew but know more now that if I can but keep this pateince and continue to allow it to grow, then my work, the work I have been sent here to do will become perfectly in tuned to the will of the Lord and I shall want nothing, for haven't I already been blessed with so much and who am I but a tiny servant to ask for more? It's amazing to me that will all the many blessings I have already been given, that there could possibly be more out there waiting for a tiny little servant like myself. It truely is an amazing plan and I pray that everyone in my world, readers of my blog or others, that you too will find the true joy, whatever that might be for you, to help you maintain the person you are and attain the millions of joyous blessings that await.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

What an amazing song this is and how true!

I really liked this video. It's awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPYYdkScvbQ

Happy Sabbath!

bloody noses and black eyes. I'm so proud!

2009-09-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

Why am I am? Well, I get to go to Sam's Club today. Freda is picking me up at 7 so here I sit, waiting for time to pass so I can go get in the shower. Josey just woke up from her bed and went potty and got in bed with daddy. She is SUCH a big girl! I'm so proud of her. She hasn't had an accident in quite a while. It seems to be my fault if she does because I don't remind her to go or I forget to take her at night because I'm just too tired. She is so funny. At night, she usually falls asleep on the couch, I used to too and I turned out sort of alright, and then we take her potty around 10 or 11 whenever bedtime comes. She sleeps on the potty and usually goes. It's hilarious. She rocks back and forth and sometimes tries to lay down on the potty. It's too hilarious! I wonder if that is inappropriate to tape because I really should.

I had a thought but alas, at 5:49 in the morning, I have lost it. That's not really a surprise now is it? My mom is coming today this morning kind of and I'm giving Donnie a to do list in order of importance so my mom doesn't have a heart attack when she gets here. (love you mom) See, she has instilled in us a few traits that sometimes take and mostly don't. She is a VERY clean and organized person. She will claim that it is because her never going to sell house is on the market. Hmmm... Maybe she should blog about it. It seemed to work for Alicia. I think I'll mention that. Ok, sidetracked yet again... All I'm sayin is now it's 5:51 in the morning. Ok, clean organized, etc. Even when her house is messy it's clean and it's usually only messy when we are over. So I've been trying to use this characteristic that I MUST have been born with, it's got to be genes right? Can't I just turn it off and on? Ok, so HA! Donnie just closed the door because I'm typing to loud!!! Must not be able to sleep through anything! SUCKER!!!! LOL!!! I wonder where Peggy is. Ok, so I've been doing an ok job with keeping the house clean but come on, I do have a three year old! And we have started our preschool. Oh well, I can come up with a million excuses and none of them are good enough. So I will continue to not blame it on jeans and continue to hope that she doesn't have a heart attack when she comes over today (love you mom). It's actually not as bad as it used to be all the time. Maybe she won't notice. Oh wait, I think she reads this blog.

Anyway, I had a few friends over last night. Donnie calls football and Jared does the band thing and Rebecca's (it's spelled wrong but she said no one spells it right and I just want to fit in) RIGHT! So her hubby went fishin with the boys so we hung out. And much to my surprise and pure delight Rowena came too. I love them. It was a fun girls night of talking. The kids were AWESOME and followed the two rules of either watch the movie or play in the playroom with the toys. The did really well and I didn't have much heart attack avoidance to do when they left. I finished sewing Josey's B (her right hip attachment). Her B started as my nightgown until she got a hold of it so I cut it and stitched it and made it to a B. Unfortunately it is very thin material and with the love it has received, not only from her, but us, because it helps her sleep, it has fallen apart. So we went to Hobby Lobby and picked out some really fluffy awesome til you cut it because then you are covered in fuzz and it goes up your nose, fabric. And I took a few of the remaining B pieces and sewed them on and then sewed the new B in half. I did it all by hand because I'm impatient and because I don't have a sewing machine. So it isn't perfect but what B is perfect that is loved. NONE!

So now the sun is coming up and I'm going to go check FB and then go shower so I can be ready when Freda gets here at 715. No I mean 700. We'll see. (love you Freda) So have a glorious Saturday and Oh, I guess if I'm going to title this blog "bloody nose and black eyes" I need to explain!

My little bawler, my little princess, my little scary girl, last night at gymnastics, was running into the pit (a big 7 food hole in the ground filled with mats and foam cubes (so fun) and didn't see the little girl or her head and the smashed. Heads that is. Josey started to laugh, probably so she wouldn't cry, or maybe just because she's Josey, and the other girl started spouting blood from her teeny tiny nose. Anyway, it must have been her first because her mom freaked and was NOT happy AT ALL! Oh well, little kids are going to get hurt. The first time Josey ever bled, she smashed her mouth on the side of the tub, I was quite certain she would grow up without her first front teeth and that her tongue was going to fall off! Hey, I was a new mom and it was her first. I think it's quite possible that I felt 10 times worse than the other mom. Josey was very quick to apologize and just followed her around to make sure she was ok. After I made her apologize. I don't think she got what happened really but it was an excellent opportunity to brag on her ability to forgive. Positive reinforcement and all. So my kid was the giver of her first bloody nose and black eyes (because I'm almost certain that both of the little girls eyes and nose will bruise) And at least it was just an accident, no fists involved!

And who thought that gymnastics was a contact sport and that when they say "stick it" it could be dangerous! Gotta love the USA man!

For some reason, I can't find the spell check. 608 in the morning?

2009-09-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

On this day, may we remember the tragic events of 8 years ago. Fox and Friends is playing a rememberance and I think it's great! We need to remember! We need to see it again and again until we can get it into our heads why we are the greatest nation and we NEED to come together as such! It is my prayer this day that we will ALL remember the events that caused America to change. With all the political wars happening now, we need to put it aside for at least a day and remember. Remember the families who suffered, remember the workers who sacrificed their lives and REMEMBER the victims who lost their lives on that monumental day! PLEASE REMEMBER!!!!!

last night's Presidential address

2009-09-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Joy I am very slowly reading The Great and The Terrible series and I am only on book one. So far it is fantastic. It gives a really real feeling of Satan and his craftiness, deiceiverness, lying, deception etc. So while I was watching the President give his speech last night, I thought what he was laying out was fantastic. I was excited and he sounded like he was really doing a good thing.

However, I was then pricked extremely HARD by the spirit that it was not true. There were many lies being told and the book and the picture that it creates of Satan came into my mind. Now I'm not saying he's satan or anything close, it was just the thought that I had. I don't believe what he is telling us is true. I believe he pointed out a lot of really good things but I think there is a lot underlying that we can't see because they can't get the bill passed if they bring those out.

I'm not trying to start a political debate on my blog. I don't even really want to talk about it. But this is my blog and so I get to say what I want about what I think. And before I get jumped all over I will say that my favorite part about living in a democracy so far is that we ALL get to feel how we want about people in office. I didn't vote for the man to be there so I get to complain and disagree all I want. Now I sound like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. How funny am I?

Today I'm going to get some chunky highlights in my hair. I am quite excited. It should look pretty. I should be getting dressed right now to go running but my lowers kind of hurt when I do so I just might wait and go tomorrow and Saturday. As long as I do three days a week, I don't really care what three days that is.

Josey is going to stay with Papa today. It's her first long stint with him. I hope that goes well. I'm sure it will. Ok, I think while everyone is still sleeping I'm going to go watch the season finale of Leverage. That's one of my new favs.

busy day...

2009-09-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today we are off to the thrift store (my favorite place to go) in search of some treasures starting with the letter "A". Josey is quite funny. She keeps asking, "Are we going to do "B" today?" She has got the "A" thing down and is ready to move on, apparently. LOL!

Once again I have a pain in my neck. I keep getting it in the same spot quite frequently. I think it's my stress point? But I'm not stressed. Who knows? Is that right? Is it a question? I'm not really asking if someone knows if it's my stress point just saying I have no idea. So then why don't I just say I have no idea? OK, I have no idea. There, that settles that.

I am going on day four with straight hair. Yes I washed it in between. I'm LOVING the not rainy weather. Although, I do love a good run in the rain. But Mother Nature isn't a fan I am quite certain. It always rains until I get to where I am running and then it stops. I'm going to have to just start going around here I guess. So if it is thundering and lightening and I'm running with tennis shoes on (duh) does that ground me? I don't really want to test that theory so one may never know. Or do you? So who knows? Yes, this time I am asking.

I find it sad that I only have one follower on here. But quite glad that I have someone who loves me enough to follow. LOL! Totally kidding bubble readers.

OK, I suppose I should tare or tear no that's crying ugh! I have a serious love/hate relationship with the English language. I guess if I can look it up then it doesn't matter but I'm not going to take the time to look it up so again, Who knows? Wow, sometimes I can be quite thought provoking.

I am going to change my random question, well actually, just add it here. I'd love to hear some other's perspectives on it. I guess I need to add a disclaimer. I am NOT trying to say this is how it is or that any of us even have the slightest idea how it's going to be but I love to discuss the gospel and all the many probably wrong theories that go along with it. So any thoughts on the following?

Our lives are going so extremely fast and time is almost literally flying by. For instance, Josey is 3 1/2! How did that happen? And 9/11 is fast approaching again for the 8th year in a row. That has gone by so quickly, it seems so fresh every time I see those towers fall. Anyway, why do you think time is going so quickly for us?

My theory: I think that our spirits are becoming more and more in tuned with the spirit to know that we MUST prepare. Not only is our prophet warning us constantly to be prepared but I can feel that we HAVE to do it. So I think that time isn't literally going faster but because of our spirits and the urgencies they are feeling it seems to be going quicker because the second coming is fast approaching... What say you?

2009-09-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

Wow! Here I am again. If I can figure out how to post a picture then I will of Josey today with straight hair and the letter A she made out of play dough. She did so well today and we had so much fun. We went around the house and found things that started with the letter A. Then she drew pictures of those things. If I can find the camera I will take a picture and post that too. Then we played a fishing game with shapes. That was way fun! Then we dressed up like princesses and did our hair and had a princess ball. It was so much fun! I love spending time with my angel.

And now at the moment Donnie is at Wal Mart getting some snickers YUM and some peppermint for my horendous indigestion that seems to like me a TON right now.

When they get home we are going to play mouse trap and then hopefully bed. Some zzzzzs would be nice. I like those a lot lately too.

First real life blog. Here we GOOOO!!!!!!

2009-09-08T08:00:00.001-07:00

Well, I will try and keep this up. I have a horrible habit of starting and doing one and then nothing. We'll see how this goes.

My sister says I'm funny in texting so I hope I have the same effect on blogging. Not sure if that will be the case but sure doesn't hurt to try. I also hope that you don't get bored. If you do then phooey on you and don't read it anymore.

Another disclaimer should be that I can't spell (neither could Einstein) and I don't always capitalize when I'm supposed to so if that bugs you then stop now. Why don't I capitalize? Because I'm just to lazy and hey, if I'm going to take the time to do a blog, I'm going to get out what I want to say and not worry about the punctuation and the know, now, too, two, to rules.

Josey is awesome! She is the light of our lives. She is constantly learning and growing and amazing us everyday. She is so excited to start "school". I got an awesome book from Norma and it lays everything out in a way that I've wanted to do but couldn't get my brain around the organization. "By George! I think she's got it!" Amazing yes, I know. Or is it now? Just kidding, I know it's now. HAHAHA!!!! I'm sure my sister will LOVE reading this one! She is quite the English enthusiast and does this thing do a spell check. Ugh, it does but I have to actually push another button? What is happening to this country when we actually have to work to make things look nice? The nerve! I won't even go off on that rant because it would take me a year to finish and who are we kidding? My house would be in shambles and my life amok if I spent an entire year blogging. I can't even spend an hour, probably not a half an hour. We'll see.

I guess that should be another disclaimer. I'm very random and nothing I think makes sense. Well, I can't lay it out chronologically anyway.

So back to Josey. The light of our lives, growing everyday, learning, amazing, oh yeah, she is so excited to start "school", the book, right. OK, back on track. We are going to be taking 35 weeks give or take some days or weeks here or there and learn our letters and lots of other super fun stuff! I'm so excited to start this journey with my girl. We are planning on homeschooling and I'm getting very excited about the possibilities and the process. It's a little overwhelming to think about it all but I think I'll lay a pretty good foundation with this "preschool" thing. At least I will get us into some form of schedule and habits that should be good, pending we don't kill each other first. Oh, can I say that? Right, I should still have the freedom of speech thing. Good thing this is a private blog.

Josey is also doing gymnastics. I am so proud of her and her accomplishments. She started in February and has already moved up to the pre pre team class. She loves it and her coaches. It's been very good for her. She is gaining strength very quickly and we are hoping to instill in her the willingness, determination and desire to continue exercising and living a healthy life style. After all, our spirits need a healthy body to live in. Anyway, she is so smart and so fun and I am loving being her mom.

Onto Donnie, he is an amazing husband. So supportive and is teaching me so much how to be a better person. He served a mission in Hawaii for our church (I'll get to that in a bit). Thankfully, I met him when I did. He just got back from Iraq and life is good. He is working hard for SAIC, in the Guard still and refereeing high school football at the moment. All things he loves. He is going to be running for State Rep for our district in 2010. We are hopeful that we can get the priesthood in to help restore our government to the way it can be. He is also going to school and hopefully, if all goes well, should graduate in Aug. 2010. He says he's a 10 year senior but he has taken time off for righteous endeavors and I couldn't be more proud to support him in this life.

Me... "I am mom, hear me roar!" ROOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! I love my life. I joined the church almost 8 years ago now. I'm so grateful that I did. It totally changed my life. The last few years have been pretty tough. It's extremely difficult to humble one's self to the will of the Lord. I am far from where I need or want to be but everyday I feel I'm getting a bit closer. I think almost everyone I know, knows that we have been trying to have a baby for over 2 and a half years now. Granted there were a few breaks here and there for different reasons but over all that's how long it has been. It was a hard road. I went through the hate and the jealousy and the hurt and all the grieving steps. Let's see there are 12: OK, I lied, there are 10. The alcohol thing is 12. That's what Google says anyway, and we all know if it's found on the Internet it has to be true right? So 10, wait, I lied again, it's 5. HAHA! too funny. Just goes to show you can't take google searches at face value.

So 5 stages of grieving. (I thought 12 sounded like a lot, we could have been here all day). First is denial or shock. I definitely experienced that. "It can't happen to me, all these other people get pregnant right away, I will too" Those were some common phrases. Next is inward anger. Definitely had that. I was always mad at myself and always thought I wasn't good enough, what am I doing wrong. When the anger was directed at others I would pull away from them and have NO contact whatsoever. Third is outward anger: always talking bad about those who were able to get pregnant, extremely hateful to those around me (sorry for that, by the way). Always, woe is me mentality which moves us right into the fourth which is depression. I was definitely there a lot longer than I wanted to be. And finally, we have acceptance and I think moving on... I think a lot that people, myself included, get so caught up in the me me me thing that there isn't time to actually focus on the important things and how to deal and move on. For me it was having a true change of heart and turning to the Lord. I gained a tremendously strong testimony of Heavenly Father and that we each have individual trials in our lives. We have our struggles so that we can help others through theirs but also so that we can learn to more rely on our Heavenly Father and our Savior. I never really understood the meaning of the atonement until I went through this process. He died for us. He suffered for us. He didn't do anything for Himself. He wants to have a relationship with us. He wants us to turn to Him. That's why He did what He did. With that kind of love in our lives, how can anything be too much to bear. it can't. And that is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We all have it and we all have the opportunity to except His plan and receive the blessings we have all been promised. I know that when I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was and am many more steps closer to reaching my full potential. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the gospel, before him, was NOT on the earth. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and that we are in this life to prove to Him that we are willing to accept the plan, yet again, and do EVERYTHING we can to return to Him. Not just put on a happy face and go through this life but DO. If we do that there cannot be sadness or anger or depression, for we will always have the light of Christ with us. With that, not only will we be blessed but we WILL bless the lives of those around us. And after all, isn't that what it's all about? Helping our brother's and sister's find the same joy and receive the same blessings that we have been given?

I think that about raps it us. Wow! that was a lot longer than I thought I would have. Now it's off to give Josey and the dog a bath. Not together of course. I think Josey would come out wearing more fur than Peggy. Then it's school, school, school. Why she is so excited, I'm not sure but I am loving her love for learning!

May "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again"

my princess

2009-09-08T05:10:00.000-07:00

Just got up so off to run it is. Let's see if I can remember to come back and make a real entry on my new blog and a new thing that I've been extremely hesitant about trying because, lets be honest, life is full of distractions already and who needs more. However, I'm hoping that through this I can keep some updated and get some off my mind. We'll see if it works. HA! Off we go...