hopeful and hopeless

I've been contemplating a lot lately about the Book of Mormon and the effect that it has had on the world. Since coming forth millions of people have read it and began following it's teachings. Some of turned it away. Before I joined the church I didn't have to read the Book of Mormon to believe that it is scripture. Joseph Smith is and was a prophet and that was all I needed to know at that point.

I look at the things that have changed in my life and how grateful I am for those changes. I have a child and a husband that I will be sealed to for not only this life but the eternities of lives to come. That in and of itself makes every little act, thought and decision, incredibly worth it.

As most of my blog readers know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. This 'infertile' problem that started 3 years ago January has given me cause to reflect. I have had an incredible journey and it continues. Some days, like today I have those moments of hopelessness. However, they are brief and pass quite nicely. This is because of my testimony of Christ's atonement. What that means in my life and above all a sure knowledge of a plan of salvation and a Heavenly Father that loves me more than I can ever imagine another loving.

I hate trying to get pregnant. I hate the disappointment each month brings. I hate the sadness, the anger, the wonder, the doubts and everything else that goes with this trial. However, more than the hate there is love. Again, love for the same things I mentioned earlier but above all that a love for this gospel and for the Book of Mormon. I brings hope and light where there is NONE. It brings pure joy and love to those around me and makes me again, so grateful for what I have been blessed with.

I'm pretty sure there will be tears this day for another cycle coming and going, but at the end of the day, because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I will put a smile on my face, and have my warm fuzzy feelings back to get me through the next one. After all, that's what this life is for. Love and hate, joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, so that we might know the true measure of love when we do someday return to our Heavenly Father.

See I feel better already. I really do love blogging. Sorry for the blah blah blah.... It really feels as though it gets old and redundant. Oh well, that's the beauty of blogging. If you don't want to hear it, then don't read it:)
I guess I should put that at the beginning.

Alma and our days today.

While I've been reading through Alma and learning of the great wars and tribulations they experienced, I also loved the victories and the glories they gave to God when they did succeed. I found it quite interesting how much it talks about a government that has been corrupted (not talking about anyone imparticular) and they were not acknowledging God in all things. I see that so much today and how sad it is that our governement, repulicans and democrats alike are corrupting the very foundation our country was built on. I'm so grateful for a gospel that shows why all things happens and gives us hope and a sure knowledge that as bad as it's going to get (I imagine it will get worse) we have that promise and bright place ahead to focus on. I pray daily for our government that they will repent and find God and apply His principles in their daily dealings with our sacred land.

On another note, I had a great birthday yesterday. I am SO grateful for Joy and Heidi and Elizabeth and Eden for joining Josey and I at breakfast. We had such a great time. It was a great way to start a great day. We then adventured to the pumpkin patch, which I am extremely grateful that we will be going to again with a homeschool group next week because there was so much fun stuff to do. Then Josey and I came home and I got to play with my new gel nails kit and then we went to dinner with some more great friends. Joy and Greg and Rebecky:) and Freda and Donnie and Grandma and Donnie and Rowena and all the kiddos that come with those people and my parents. They tried to surprise me but I had a feeling they would be there:) I didn't get a birthday cake, so I'll be getting one this weekend from Walmart because I love me a good Walmart cake. But it was fabulous. We had a great time visiting at OCharly's and the food was great. The kids were awesome and it was so fun to share my day with some awesome people. Donnie was so sweet. He got me some flowers and a cute card about a boy and a girl who fell in love. Ahhhh... (now you may turn your head and commence throw up)

Overcome with (in this order)

Gratitude for those who have been baptized and the spirit that they brought today to the confirmation.

Joy for the baby blessing we had today.

Gratitude for the baby I have that is growing so remarkably and turning into such a beautiful girl.

Sadness for the baby I have that is growing so remarkably and turning into such a big beautiful girl.

Anxiety for the anger that was creeping into my heart for not having been blessed with another baby.

Anger for not having been blessed with another baby.

Heartache for not having been blessed with another baby.

Fear that we will never be blessed with another baby.

Sorrow for the feelings of anger that I have worked so hard for so long to turn into love and hope.

Heartache for my inability to allow the atonement to work in my life daily and for the pain this causes to my Savior.

Sorrow for the empty feeling I had today as I watched the beautiful blessing of the new spirit.

Sadness for the empty feeling.

Jealousy for what I don't have.

Sorrow, heartache and pure repentance for the jealousy for what I don't have.

Gratitude for my husband.

Gratitude for my daughter.

Gratitude that I have been sealed to my husband and daughter for time and all eternity.

Gratitude for the friends that cared enough to notice my heartache and give me a hug when I needed it most.

Gratitude for a husband that knew exactly what to say.

And more than anything this day, I am overcome with pure joy and awe at the amazing life I am so blessed to be living. I am so grateful for my daughter, for my testimony in a gospel that creates love, friendships, charity, faith, hope and above all, an unwavering testimony that my Savior lives. That He loves ME and that He atoned for my sins so that I might be able to have joy and peace in this life. Without hope we have fear and without love we have hate. I want love and hope, not fear and hate. I want to live my life so that when I am at the feet of my Savior I will hear Him say "Well done." I am so grateful that during this moment of sadness and jealousy and anger and hate that I had this day and the temptations I had from Satan to lose my hope and faith in things that I KNOW will come, that my Savior was there for me to lean on. That through others that crossed my path this day, my unknown prayers were answered and I was brought back from a place I don't ever want to go again.

I learned however that it's so important to not only be doing good but to be humble and know that I am a human and have so many faults and I will fall. Everyday I will fall but after the fall, there is light and love and warmth and comfort in the Lord. Through Him my sins are forgiven and I can have joy. I want for nothing. I need for nothing. I am for the Lord and because of that I have all that I need and all that I can ever want. How blessed I truly am this day to have a testimony that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to this earth through the prophet Joseph Smith and that we have a living prophet today, even Thomas S. Monson. What a blessing to have temples on this earth that we can perform the sacred ordinances that allow us to live once again with not just our family but with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so glad for the timing of the Lord. I am so grateful that my faith is in Him, the one I serve and profess my faith to and my life to this day and every day to come.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

If you lack wisdom.... You shall no longer doubt following this powerful testimony of the Book of Mormon.

I hope to gain from my 30 day read of the Book of Mormon a solid and unshakable testimony of the scriptures and the gospel in my life. It is my prayer that I will stand shameless before the Lord at the great day when He will come again. I know that if we do everything we can to live the gospel then satan has NO power over us and will lose His ability to effect me in my life. I find the negative thoughts creep in from time to time about whether we really will have more children. But as I was reading today I realized that if I have the faith and 100% believe that we WILL have a child then I WILL have a child. I KNOW that I will be pregnant this month. No if ands or buts. I just will. I have been prompted throughout the last few months to come to this point in my life. I am so grateful that I have made a commitment to read the BOM in 30 days. I'm so grateful that it is going to give me the faith I need to Know with a surety that I WILL be pregnant this month and the blessings will abound. Not because I deserve them but because and only because the Lord loves me and I am doing EVERYTHING I can to follow His will. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. Blessings truly come when we least expect it. I believe, though, that we least expect it because we feel completely full and in NEED of nothing because we are doing what we can to live the gospel. It's amazing that we give a tiny bit and receive so much in return. It really all does come from the Lord.

Book of Mormon in 30 days day 1.

So today I have started. It took me 45 minutes to read the first part. It was 1 Nephi 1-10. It's amazing to me that I can speed read the scriptures and still understand what I'm reading. I learned today that Sariah had much faith in her husband. For she didn't gain her testimony until after they had fled into the wilderness. I believe that we really are sent to this earth with a purpose and that it took a special woman to be married to him to believe him and follow him in his dealings with the Lord. It also stood out to me that it truly doesn't matter to many if they  have heavenly manifestations or signs if they aren't truly converted. Lamen and Lemuel were shown the power of God many times over and still didn't have the faith necessary to follow Him. In their day they had to wait for the coming of the Savior. They were born in a time when there was no gospel. No baptism, no ordinances, no temples, no support system but each other. Not only are we blessed to live in this time but we are blessed to have a prophet to guide and direct us. We have a HUGE support system no matter where we go, we have the ability to go to the temple, to be baptized, to be sealed to our families for time and eternity. I wonder if their work had to be done for them? If they couldn't be baptized because of the priesthood not being here then their work has to be done right? Interesting thought. Anyone know the answer?