I'm thankful for the eternal perspective...

To know that there is a reason for all things is perhaps the most comforting knowledge of all. Not only that there is a reason, but that, as a wise friend has reminded me, Heavenly Father knows that reason. He is the one in charge of my life and because of that everything is always okay.

I am thankful during this thanksgiving holiday season that I have a family that I love with all my heart and that I am blessed to spend eternity with them. That is reason enough to be happy. But wait, there's more! I'm thankful that Josey still loves to run and snuggle up with me at night before falling asleep, I'm thankful for her getting jealous over the DOG sitting in my lap at night, too cute, I'm thankful that she is so smart and so beautiful, I'm thankful that I have been blessed to have her in my life. I'm thankful for my children that Heavenly Father has with Him. What a blessing to know of their safety and the warmth and comfort they get daily.

The hardest thing for me in this whole trying to get pregnant experience is truly turning things over to the Lord. I thought for so long that if I wasn't going to doctors and I wasn't taking the medicine and watching everything and trying all the time that meant I wasn't doing ALL I could and then turn it all over to the Lord. But I realized today that in doing all those things, For me and me alone, I'm not turning it over to the Lord. When I was receiving those promptings a few months ago I wasn't on any drugs and I wasn't doing anything but exercising. I was told by Heavenly Father to lose weight and my body would work right. I have lost weight and the month I did nothing was the month I miscarried, but I did get pregnant.


 So now I'm done. I'm giving over everything to Him. I'm done with the drugs, I'm done with the temperature taking every morning, I'm done with expectations of what I think is right. I'm going to live my life and enjoy it with my beautiful blessing of a daughter and I'm going to try with EVERYTHING I am NOT to be angry or hurt when I find out other people are pregnant. I'm done physically trying. I'm going to read my scriptures, keep the commandments and give up this crazy drive I have of control. I have never really given my life to the Lord and it's going to be a huge process. It's going to take so much but I am GOING TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

So here's my plan for the future. Fasting, praying, reading my scriptures, serving others, being a good example, fulfilling my calling, enjoying my hubby, enjoying my baby, and enjoying my life. If and when it is time to happen again, Heavenly Father will make it happen. I'm done trying to control it and I'm done month to month hoping. I have a deep hope that someday it will happen but I know my life, and the lives of those around me will be much better if I let go of this part of my life and truly turn it over to the Lord. It's going to be really hard and I'm going to try not to be afraid, afraid of failure, afraid that Heavenly Father won't ever bless me, afraid of not having control. I HAVE to do this! I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please help me. I know I can't do it alone.


I'm thankful that I have the Holy Ghost in my life to help guide me to the people I need most in one moment. The people that know exactly what to say. I received a blessing awhile ago and was told that I just need to listen to those around me and that the Holy Ghost will speak through them. It is so true and I am so grateful for priesthood blessings. I have gotten over this month of hurt and disappointment and anger very quickly because I took heed to what Heavenly Father has told me to do. I'm done living my life month to month and I'm going to start living it day to day. Enjoying everyone that I am blessed to live in.


I'm going to do what I can to change the world, my little girl at a time:)

Heavenly Father really loves me and is always looking out for me. He knows my heart and He knows the struggles I will endure before they arrive. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be for Him to see us, love us and want the best for us, yet still know what is coming and the heartache it will cause.

I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ I have become a stronger person and I rely more completely on the Lord in my daily life. I am so grateful for my family and friends and for the strength they are to me. I know that in the end these trials of life will all somehow make sense and that right now they don't need to make sense. All that matters, all that I need to know is that Heavenly Father has it all under control.

Somehow that makes unbearable much better.

Josey is the best dang kid EVER!

Josey is awesome! She is thriving in ways that amaze us every day. This morning we were driving in the car on the way home from cleaning the church and we were talking about going to see Dora at Martins. We told her that she had to be good because we wouldn't be able to go unless she was. She said "Yeah, because Dora doesn't want to meet a mean Josey." She was just so matter of fact about it. I love this kid!
We went on a hike a few days ago and these are some of the things she discovered...

All the same leaf but who doesn't love looking at her?

her walking stick.

The kids new friend Gary. For anyone who knows Josey, you know she freaks out at the tiniest of bugs but Gary, all slimy and slithery she LOVED!

She even had to say goodbye.

We had a blast and she loves all her new friends. She is growing and learning so much everyday. It is amazing to watch her progress. She can count to 80 without any reminding and 100 with a bit of reminding. She is learning to write her letters and her name and is thriving in gymnastics. She got her back walkover thing on the bars and just loves her coaches. I'm so proud of my little munchkin and wish I had a ton more time to brag about her amazingness but alas, I do not want to waste the rest of my life bragging about her and no time enjoying her so off I go to have some fun with my awesomeness!

count your blessings

Benefits of having an only child.

Can ride with anyone anywhere because there is only two of us.
Can do lots of stuff on a whim because there are only two of us.
Can go on lots of vacations because we won't be dead broke.
No more dirty diapers.
No more middle of the night wake ups.
Almost done with tantrums.
Having a great time with my girl.
Being able to spoil her rotten.
Josey.
No more stretch marks.
No more csections.
No more morning sickness.
No labor pains.
No having to decide home birth or hospital.

That's lots of good things. Josey is such a blessing in our life. I'm so grateful for our girl.

hopeful and hopeless

I've been contemplating a lot lately about the Book of Mormon and the effect that it has had on the world. Since coming forth millions of people have read it and began following it's teachings. Some of turned it away. Before I joined the church I didn't have to read the Book of Mormon to believe that it is scripture. Joseph Smith is and was a prophet and that was all I needed to know at that point.

I look at the things that have changed in my life and how grateful I am for those changes. I have a child and a husband that I will be sealed to for not only this life but the eternities of lives to come. That in and of itself makes every little act, thought and decision, incredibly worth it.

As most of my blog readers know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. This 'infertile' problem that started 3 years ago January has given me cause to reflect. I have had an incredible journey and it continues. Some days, like today I have those moments of hopelessness. However, they are brief and pass quite nicely. This is because of my testimony of Christ's atonement. What that means in my life and above all a sure knowledge of a plan of salvation and a Heavenly Father that loves me more than I can ever imagine another loving.

I hate trying to get pregnant. I hate the disappointment each month brings. I hate the sadness, the anger, the wonder, the doubts and everything else that goes with this trial. However, more than the hate there is love. Again, love for the same things I mentioned earlier but above all that a love for this gospel and for the Book of Mormon. I brings hope and light where there is NONE. It brings pure joy and love to those around me and makes me again, so grateful for what I have been blessed with.

I'm pretty sure there will be tears this day for another cycle coming and going, but at the end of the day, because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I will put a smile on my face, and have my warm fuzzy feelings back to get me through the next one. After all, that's what this life is for. Love and hate, joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, so that we might know the true measure of love when we do someday return to our Heavenly Father.

See I feel better already. I really do love blogging. Sorry for the blah blah blah.... It really feels as though it gets old and redundant. Oh well, that's the beauty of blogging. If you don't want to hear it, then don't read it:)
I guess I should put that at the beginning.

Alma and our days today.

While I've been reading through Alma and learning of the great wars and tribulations they experienced, I also loved the victories and the glories they gave to God when they did succeed. I found it quite interesting how much it talks about a government that has been corrupted (not talking about anyone imparticular) and they were not acknowledging God in all things. I see that so much today and how sad it is that our governement, repulicans and democrats alike are corrupting the very foundation our country was built on. I'm so grateful for a gospel that shows why all things happens and gives us hope and a sure knowledge that as bad as it's going to get (I imagine it will get worse) we have that promise and bright place ahead to focus on. I pray daily for our government that they will repent and find God and apply His principles in their daily dealings with our sacred land.

On another note, I had a great birthday yesterday. I am SO grateful for Joy and Heidi and Elizabeth and Eden for joining Josey and I at breakfast. We had such a great time. It was a great way to start a great day. We then adventured to the pumpkin patch, which I am extremely grateful that we will be going to again with a homeschool group next week because there was so much fun stuff to do. Then Josey and I came home and I got to play with my new gel nails kit and then we went to dinner with some more great friends. Joy and Greg and Rebecky:) and Freda and Donnie and Grandma and Donnie and Rowena and all the kiddos that come with those people and my parents. They tried to surprise me but I had a feeling they would be there:) I didn't get a birthday cake, so I'll be getting one this weekend from Walmart because I love me a good Walmart cake. But it was fabulous. We had a great time visiting at OCharly's and the food was great. The kids were awesome and it was so fun to share my day with some awesome people. Donnie was so sweet. He got me some flowers and a cute card about a boy and a girl who fell in love. Ahhhh... (now you may turn your head and commence throw up)

Overcome with (in this order)

Gratitude for those who have been baptized and the spirit that they brought today to the confirmation.

Joy for the baby blessing we had today.

Gratitude for the baby I have that is growing so remarkably and turning into such a beautiful girl.

Sadness for the baby I have that is growing so remarkably and turning into such a big beautiful girl.

Anxiety for the anger that was creeping into my heart for not having been blessed with another baby.

Anger for not having been blessed with another baby.

Heartache for not having been blessed with another baby.

Fear that we will never be blessed with another baby.

Sorrow for the feelings of anger that I have worked so hard for so long to turn into love and hope.

Heartache for my inability to allow the atonement to work in my life daily and for the pain this causes to my Savior.

Sorrow for the empty feeling I had today as I watched the beautiful blessing of the new spirit.

Sadness for the empty feeling.

Jealousy for what I don't have.

Sorrow, heartache and pure repentance for the jealousy for what I don't have.

Gratitude for my husband.

Gratitude for my daughter.

Gratitude that I have been sealed to my husband and daughter for time and all eternity.

Gratitude for the friends that cared enough to notice my heartache and give me a hug when I needed it most.

Gratitude for a husband that knew exactly what to say.

And more than anything this day, I am overcome with pure joy and awe at the amazing life I am so blessed to be living. I am so grateful for my daughter, for my testimony in a gospel that creates love, friendships, charity, faith, hope and above all, an unwavering testimony that my Savior lives. That He loves ME and that He atoned for my sins so that I might be able to have joy and peace in this life. Without hope we have fear and without love we have hate. I want love and hope, not fear and hate. I want to live my life so that when I am at the feet of my Savior I will hear Him say "Well done." I am so grateful that during this moment of sadness and jealousy and anger and hate that I had this day and the temptations I had from Satan to lose my hope and faith in things that I KNOW will come, that my Savior was there for me to lean on. That through others that crossed my path this day, my unknown prayers were answered and I was brought back from a place I don't ever want to go again.

I learned however that it's so important to not only be doing good but to be humble and know that I am a human and have so many faults and I will fall. Everyday I will fall but after the fall, there is light and love and warmth and comfort in the Lord. Through Him my sins are forgiven and I can have joy. I want for nothing. I need for nothing. I am for the Lord and because of that I have all that I need and all that I can ever want. How blessed I truly am this day to have a testimony that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to this earth through the prophet Joseph Smith and that we have a living prophet today, even Thomas S. Monson. What a blessing to have temples on this earth that we can perform the sacred ordinances that allow us to live once again with not just our family but with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so glad for the timing of the Lord. I am so grateful that my faith is in Him, the one I serve and profess my faith to and my life to this day and every day to come.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.